Inappropriate Kids Games

I was playing some games with my nephews the other day and couldn't help but realize that many of these child friendly games teach some fairly negative life lessons, for example:

-Hungry, Hungry Hippos: promotes childhood obesity
-Operation: encourages inappropriate touching
-Guess Who: teaches our youth how to racially profile and stereotype. "Is your person black , with big lips?"
-Candy-Land: creates a sugar dependency and addiction to high trans-fatty foods
-Jenga: produces over anxiety and panic disorders
-Monopoly: how to buy things you can't afford and hope for an Obama bailout

Inappropriate T's

So I was at the gym the other day and from a distance read the back of some girls shirt, which at first glance I thought it said " The Rapists Like Me".  How highly inappropraite, I thought ... on closer inspection though I realized that it in fact said "My Therapists Likes Me".  

Bathroom Conversation

There are certain classes and groups of people that absolutely fascinate me.  One such group consists of those who find the time and opportunity to write upon the bathroom stall walls.  I try not to analyze this behavior to closely but just how does this scenario play out?  They're sitting there on the can, feeling bored, luckily they happen to have a black sharpie in their pocket, and then suddenly they get the impulse to draw up some gang sign or wiener joke?  Or is the whole thing premeditated, and its just a artistic hobby for some- going from one  public bathroom to another treating the stall walls as their personal canvas?

High Score

Is it a sad commentary on my life when the best thing I got going on is that I just beat my personal high score in Angry Birds?

Dentist from Hell

I went to the dentist the other day; and because I am currently jobless and poor I don't have the luxury of any dental insurance (Obama if you could do something about this that would be great).  So I decided to check out one of these local dental schools where students under "supervision" provide dental procedures at a discounted rate.  Despite having a college degree I often times lack common sense and decided to take my business to one of these student facilities to get my root canal done.

Needless to say... it was hell; and you see I'm not swearing because the Bible describes Hell as a place of "nashing of teeth".  In Hell I literally picture demons strapping people down to dentist chairs and jamming pitchforks into their mouths.  And that was pretty much my experience:

Without my consent, they must of used some sort of "new" Novocain formula that deadened the outside of my face but not the inside- which lead to episodes of involuntary crying, but left the inside of my mouth feeling surprisingly fresh and un-numbed.  The picker tool they used looked like it stolen from a pawn shop or a 7th grade science lab- you know, the ones kids use to dissect fetal pigs.  The little mirror to look up at your teeth, had like food crusties stuck to it; what did you just find that thing under your couch cushion and now your shoving it into my mouth.  The worst though is when the student dentist started talking to the assistant in code about her screwing up by doing a "C12" in my mouth instead of a "C34",  whatever that means, I'm sure its not great.  But  her reply was to seal it up anyway because I would never know the difference.  Excuse me! My cheekbones may be numbed to the point where I can't properly formulate a coherent sentence, but its not like I'm not hearing you talking about me not knowing the difference!  So despite having saved a couple bucks; I currently suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, am walking around with a "C12" instead of a "C34" in my mouth, and now fear dentists more than clowns.  Totally not worth it.

Yay It's Your Birthday

I've never understood the way many restaurants treat their customers on their birthday.  This is supposed to be a special day full of admiration and presents; instead you go out to dinner with friends and family and your waiter hands you a hefty check for overpriced food and demands that you jump up on the table and dance around like a jackass while everyone claps and sings you a legal-friendly version of Happy Birthday.  Thanks guys, now I can enjoy my "free" piece of stale-restaurant-style birthday cake.

Black Man Band-Aids

A thought occurred to me the other day while watching a professional African American athlete get pummeled in the head and blood started pouring out:

The traditional flesh colored band-aid carries an obvious racist undertone.  I think we are now at a point in our country where we should have Black Man Band-Aids; so people of color can also enjoy the comfort and protection of a band-aid, now with a hint of black.

Poor Interview Performance

So I had a job interview today, which I always hate doing... was it a bad idea to say "pass" on one of the questions I didn't want to answer? Is that proper interview etiquette; if not it should be.

Life's Mysteries

One of life's greatest mysteries:

Why is it so easy to drop something between the seats in your car but so freakin hard to fish it back out? 

Java Updates

Every time I turn on my computer I swear Java is asking me to do an update with them. No matter how many times I keep pressing ignore, it keeps popping back up.  Java is like the nagging wife- someone tell her to get off my back, I'll get around to it when I get around to it!

Prepare for the Game - Like Coach Bill Belichick

Order your very own Bill Belichick Sleeve Remover

How to Break-Up With a Bank Teller

I decided, if I was ever dating a girl who worked as a bank teller and I felt like things were starting to go south; I would preempt the break-up by sending a dog turd in an envelope through those pneumatic tubes (yes I did just Wikipedia the technical name) at the drive thru.  I've always wanted to do something like that and I think it would send the intended message.  

Highway to the Danger Zone

So I decided that one of the freakiest and most dangerous things is to sneeze while driving down the freeway.  They say accidents at that speed can happen within a split second; I'd say my average single sneeze lasts about 1.6 seconds-who knows what sort of devastation can happen within that time period!  While my eyes are closed during the sneeze, I always envision things like semi trucks cutting in front of me, small animals suddenly appearing in my lane, or me drifting into oncoming traffic.  It must be death for those drivers who are multiple sneezers; if I were them I would give up driving all together and pick myself up a bus pass.